THE DRAMA OF POTATOCHOLOGY
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"Now, some of you
may wonder why I've chosen to treat only potatoes when there are so many other
groups out there in need. Well, I'll tell you, it's just a lot easier to get to
the ROOT of the problem when dealing with potatoes."
"Well, my first
patient should be arriving any minute and then I will..."
...KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!...
"Ah, that must be him now. Come in and please lie down on the couch!"
"Hello, I'm Potato Head the first."
"Ah, hello, please
tell me your problem."
"I'll tell you what my problem is! It's not fair! That's what! It's
not fair that I'm FORGOTTEN! I am Mr. Potato Head the first! I started it all!
ME! But, do I get any recognition today?? NO! That new Potato Head guy gets all
the glory! Glory that should be MINE!"
---"Oh, Potato Head, Potato
Head...! Your thinking is as backwards as your feet! As the ORIGINAL Mr. Potato
Head, the glory is NATURALLY yours! You don't NEED all of today's publicity!"
---"I don't?"
---"Of
course not! You are the PIONEER of LIVING POTATOES! Just like George Washington
is the father of our country, YOU...YOU are the FATHER of POTATO HEADS!"
---"Gee...!"
"And did you know that George Washington never even got to live in
the White House!?"
"No?"
"NO! But he was still the FIRST! He may not have gotten to have
everything that the others did, but he will always be the MOST honored! So, just
think about THAT the next time you feel left out of all the glory!"
---"My
goodness, doctor! You're right! Being the first Potato Head is an honor in
itself!"
---"Of course it is! Besides, you are highly valued among many toy
collectors! Some people even have you on their websites!"
---"No fooling, Doc?"
"Doctor, I feel completely cured! How can I ever thank you?"
---"Well,
paying me would be a good start."
---"Pay you? I've been out of work for over 30 years. What makes you
think I'd have ANY money?"
"But, I need to get paid!"
---"Hey, I
know! Since I'm such a cherished Potato Head, I'll give you some of my spare
parts as collateral until I can pay!"
---"But...but..."
---"In fact, you can just KEEP the parts AS payment! I have plenty more!
Thanks so much, doc! Before I saw you, I was just going to pieces! Bye!"
"But...but...wait..."
"(Moan!)...Maybe
this potatochology wasn't such a good idea after all...Oh, well, that was just
my first patient. Send the next patient in!"
"Hello,
doctor. I'm Mr. Potato Head the second"
"Sorry, no
smoking allowed in my office. Now, please tell me your problem."
"Doctor, I feel WORTHLESS! I'm the Potato Head who was created in
the seventies and discontinued in the eighties. No one thinks about me or even
remembers me. They're either feeling nostalgic for the original Potato Head or
enjoying the current one today. I'm just in the middle. A mere transition from
one famous potato style to another."
"I feel like
I have absolutely no meaning or purpose."
---"Potato Head, have you ever heard that a chain is only as strong as
its weakest link?"
---"Sure."
"And you seem to
think that YOU are the weakest link in Potato Head history."
"I KNOW I am!"
---"Then how
do you explain Mr. Potato Head's immense popularity today?"
---"Huh?"
---"Don't you see? If you had been really as unpopular as you think, Mr.
Potato Head would have simply been DISCONTINUED."
"But, no! YOU were the great coordinator! You and you alone were
the link between the Potato Head of the 1950's and the Potato Head of the new
millennium! In short, Mr. Potato Head would not be the success it is today had
it not been for your excellent passage through time!"
"Gee! I never thought of it THAT way!"
"Besides, I know
for a fact that you were a little boy's favorite Potato Head in the 70's and
still are in his adult years today."
"Wow! Doctor! You are the greatest!"
"Nah, the answers
are in you, my friend. I just bring them out. Well, you can pay the receptionist
at the front desk."
"Pay? You've got to be kidding, Doc. I have no pockets or arms.
What would I be doing with any money?"
"Oh no! Not
again!"
"Wait! You can keep my PIPE as payment! Now, that my issues are
resolved, I'll never have to smoke again! Bye!"
"But...wait...Ohhhh, at this rate I'll NEVER
get my student loans paid off! Well, I'm going to FIND OUT what my next
patient's financial status is BEFORE we begin! Send the next patient in!"
"Hello,
Doctor, I..."
---"Wait! Before we get started, tell
me, do you have enough money to pay me???"
---"Of course, Doc, I'm loaded! My money's in my back pocket."
---"Okay, then! Proceed..."
"Well, I'm
Mr. Potato Head the third, the one everyone knows and loves today, and I've got
to tell you, the fame is really getting to me. Everywhere I go, I'm recognized.
Autographs, interviews, it's just too much! Oh, what I wouldn't give to have the
simple lives that the two previous Potato Heads have today...(sigh)"
"What
the...!? I don't believe this!"
---"Potato
Head, don't you know that the veggies are always greener on somebody else's
plate?"
---"Huh?"
"I mean you think
you've got it bad, but it's just an illusion! Some would give anything to change
places with you! You've gotten some good breaks, my friend. Don't be afraid of
success, just don't let it go to your head either. Enjoy what you've got and
help those who are less fortunate!"
"Makes
sense, doc, except, what do I do when I want a quiet night out away from all my
screaming fans?"
"Oh, come on, you
are Mr. Potato Head! If YOU can't figure out how to disguise your face..."
"Hey, I
never thought of that! Thanks, Doc, I'm cured!"
"Good! PAY ME!"
"Gladly! Here ya
go..."
"HUH?? Is this
some kind of a JOKE?!? That's PLAY money!!!"
"Of course
it is. That's what all we toys use for currency. Real money is worthless to us."
"It is, huh?
Well, you know what? Real money can sure come in handy for me at times because
I've got BILLS, DEBTS, RENT AND ALL I'M GETTING IS A BUNCH OF DEADBEAT PATIENTS
WHO CAN'T PAY AND I HAVE HAD IT!!!!!ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHH....!"
"Hey, Doc,
take it easy now. You sound like you're really stressed out. Want to talk about
it?"
"Yes...yes...as a
matter of fact I do..."
---"Well,
just lay down on the couch and tell me what's on your mind."
---"I...I had such hopes and dreams...my father was a potato farmer...I
tried to follow in his footsteps, but I had no agricultrual skills...So, I
decided to devote my life to HELPING potatoes instead...Oh, I started out as
such an idealist...(sob)"
---"I see...please, tell me more..."
---"I was going to take all of those poor potatoes out of the dirt and
help them to help themsleves...Ah, yes, such dreams...I was going to save the
farm..."
---"Interesting...go on..."
---"Well, all I wanted was to make every potato's life spudtacular, so I
decided to study Potatochology..."
(ONE WEEK LATER...)
"Doctor, we just wanted to all
come here as a group and thank you for all of your help."
"Aw, it was
nothing, but I do appreciate all of you coming here for a proper termination
session. You are all very welcome. Please pay my receptionsist on the way out."
"Pay? Doc,
have you forgotten? None of us can pay you."
"Oh, yes, that's
right...Well, that will no longer be a problem..."
---"Hey!
What's the big idea??? Gave 'em back!"
---"Sorry, but if you guys are going to get the benefits of modern
therapy, you're going to have to pay through the nose like everyone else."